God Stuff

Pre-Scriptum: This has been a work-in-progress for weeks. As in, I wrote the bulk of it in an hour and it’s taken me weeks to finalise it, to get comfortable with what I’d written and indeed to share it. So bear with me – but remember, it could effectively be a work-in-progress forever… a bit like organised religion.

Right then… time for some theological ramblings…

…but first, a disclaimer:

I am no scholar. My background means I’ve had more exposure to organised religion than most, but it’s been some time since I read “religious stuff” books – other than Richard Dawkins’ “The God Delusion” that I finally finished earlier in August, three months (and one running book) after first picking it up. The opinions expressed herein are exactly that. They are based on some knowledge but, primarily, on questions, on subjective opinions at best. Indeed, answers is something I’m short on.

An overview of my background is probably necessary at this point:

Neither of my parents are practicing Christians. That said, my mother is an Anglican and my father is a Catholic, both reflecting their families’ heritages.

I was baptised at the age of two months; I grew up surrounded by friends from practicing families, my parents’ values firmly Christian even if their attendance record wasn’t exactly Premier League. Many of my friends were altar boys and I joined them: for eight years, I donned the black and white (or red and white, for special occasions) habit and take to the stage to assist priests at the impressive Santuario di Nostra Signora della Rosa;

You hear many horror stories about children and the Catholic Church. Personally, I enjoyed a strong bond with the local curate, Don Gianlorenzo Borzini – and I say that with no trace of sarcasm or euphemism. It was at the age of eight that I first consider entering the seminary, something I pondered over for a good five years before ultimately staying out of it. I like to think the world of B2B software marketing is all the richer for that decision;

It wasn’t till I’d graduated and moved to London that I started questioning not so much my faith but my religion, its customs and values. Growing up surrounded by churches filled with art and ornaments, you don’t necessarily question their purpose. But at some point you might just wonder if, in a world awash with poverty, such demonstrations of wealth are appropriate… and that gets you thinking about a whole load of other stuff, like Papal Infallibility, the role of Mary, the divide between fact and myth…

…in my case, that led me to a path which concluded with being accepted into the Church of England – a path along which I was guided by David Stone, then at St. Jude’s in Earl’s Court but now Canon Precentor at Coventry Cathedral. I embraced a simpler expression of the Christian faith and was all the more comfortable for it.

At the time of my acceptance I’d already moved to Slough, and soon after moved to Portishead. In neither town did I connect with any local church, slipping into the non-practising category to which so many Christians belong. Yet a shared Christian faith was important for both Karen and me when we got together, although, still, regular mass attendance was not part of our lives. We changed that some seven years ago, taking up the advice of our then neighbours and joining them at the evangelical/independent Gordano Valley Church.That’s my timeline, roughly speaking. What it means is that, without having been born into a practising family, my environment has always been Christian. Through decades of Catholic catechism, Altar Boys Football Tournaments, Catholic masses in Italy, England and France, Church of England services, I was inquisitive but not truly questioning. I accepted some of the scriptures outlined facts, that some passages were allegorical, and was comfortable with this. Only over the past six months or so have I begun to struggle……and that is because many of the people at GVC (Gordano Valley Church) appear to take the whole scriptures literally. This fundamentalist stance entails a creationist standpoint and a literal interpretation of the Old Testament, neither of which are stances that I share or ever have done. Even the nuns who ran my nursery allowed you to take those as allegories……and wisely so!Allowing such an approach ensured I didn’t ask too many questions, indeed none to which a satisfactory answer could not be provided. But asking me to believe in Abraham living to the age of 175, to ignore the science behind Darwin’s evolutionary theory, telling me my brothers will never make it past limbo because they were not baptised (in young’un’s defence, he was only around for a few hours – my older brother was stillborn, I accept his chances are limited)… well, that just makes me more questioning. And telling me I must be born again, belittling my faith purely because it has been a fairly comfortable journey, during which I have never lost my beliefs and descended into depths of depravation prior to finding my way once more (as occurred after a service recently)… well, that’s not helpful. Not the way my mind works, for sure.By then I’d already begun reading Richard Dawkins’ “The God Delusion”. I started out of curiosity, from a “know your enemy” perspective. It certainly raises interesting points, although I’ve yet to find one that always niggles me. The universe is meant to be around 14bn years old… the earth around 4.5bn years… and yet the saviour of all mankind was only born 2,013 years ago. Now, 2013 is 0.0000447333333333333% of 4,500,000,000. One thing the Catholic church did teach me is that those who’ve not been baptised, say because born before Jesus, could not ascend into Heaven. I’m sorry, but I do struggle with thinking that I would be so lucky as to be born at the right time to potentially enjoy a pass into heaven, given that for 4.5bn years its gates were closed… I’m from Yorkshire and I’m a Blade, I find it hard to believe I’d get so lucky.But my biggest problem with the side of Christianity to which I’m currently exposed is a more fundamental theological point. I don’t believe in an interventionist God.Do I believe God played a role in the birth of the Universe? Yes, I do. I don’t believe he morphed Adam and Eve out of dust, but I do believe he played a part in the Big Bang. What part, I don’t know. I’d like to, and I’m about to read up on the topic – but, right here, right now, I don’t know. But some Supernatural Being must have done something at some point somewhere and I am comfortable in assigning that role to God. What I don’t believe is……that God influences our lives on a detailed daily basis. That our health, our jobs, our achievements owe to God helping us or hindering us. At GVC we have often prayed for people out of work who had job interviews coming up. That’s great. But the moment you pray for A to get a job, you are effectively asking God to choose A over B. To choose between two sons. In a passage that even non-Christians are likely to have heard, the night before His capture Jesus Christ said: “Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done” (Luke 22:42). Now, if Jesus Himself, whilst (understandably) wishing that his Father would spare Him death, did not have the audacity to ask Him to change His plans – who are we to bother The Almighty? Who are we to invoke His help when, in most circumstances, this will require God preferring us to the detriment of a fellow brother or sister? If you have kids, you know what having to choose between children means… would we really ask that of God?OK, so let’s suppose we do. Let’s suppose that I do owe my ability to run seventeen half marathons in July to God. That it was thanks to God that I stayed injury-free, that I physically had the time, that I got out of bed and carried on running even when I really didn’t want to. We can only do that if we also accept……that, when things don’t turn out our way, it’s again a reflection of God’s will. To cut to the chase, this requires me to accept that God chose for my older brother to come into this world stillborn and that He subsequently chose for my younger brother to die within hours of being born. And I, for one, find it hard to reconcile that with the notion of a loving God that I do hold dear, in which I do believe. I can accept that He did not intervene, that He did not put right the surgeon’s failings (in the case of my older brother), that He did not deliver a miracle to keep either of them alive… and I can accept that because I don’t believe in an interventionist God. But if you want me to believe that He plays a mighty part in all the good stuff, then you’re asking me to believe that He’s forsaken me when tragedies occur… that he caused the Indian Ocean to cause the Tsunami, that He caused the river to break the New Orleans levi… and I’m sorry, I cannot do that. My God is the God of the New Testament, a loving and caring Father – not the God of the Old Testament who, quite frankly, can at best be described as mardy and irascible. Yorkshire is God’s Own County, after all.

So – if it’s not our place to seek to change God’s mind, why pray at all?

I grew up giving thanks to God, not asking for favours. Thanks for just… well, being alive, ultimately. There was a window of time when that direct connection between prayer and future appealed to me, for it undeniably engenders a more personal relationship. I’m currently at a place where I don’t believe in that relationship, whereby I’m more comfortable in giving God thanks for what, in his wisdom, He has given us. However, this then leads me back to having to accept that what happens in our lives has been given to us / influenced by God, even if it wasn’t in direct response to a request of mine. It also borders on believing in Divine predestination, whereas I’m on the side of Divine prescience. So, indeed, what is the point of prayer?
Er… I’m working on that one.

As you can see, I’m in a messy place right now. What I have clung on to throughout is the belief that, whatever He does or does not do, there is a God. You are free to put this down to Pascal’s Wager, whereby we might as well believe since if we do and we are mistaken our lives (and afterlives) won’t be affected, whereas if we don’t believe and we are wrong we’ll burn in hell. Personally, I put it down to the sense of communion and brotherhood I’ve again experienced at Bruce Springsteen concerts…

…let me make one thing unequivocally clear: I do not believe Bruce Springsteen is God. I believe Bruce Springsteen to be a fellow, fallen man, one of many virtues as well as failings. Many are Springsteen fans whose admiration is along the lines of mine, to the extent that Springsteen himself will candidly make it quite clear that, away from the stage, his stage, he screws up like the rest of us. Not that I ever needed telling that, you understand. What I do find, however…

…is that Springsteen’s music and Springsteen’s concerts are more powerful conduits for my belief in God that many churches and religious congregations I have visited over the years. There is a sense of fellowship amongst Springsteen concert-goers that transcends that that I generally experience when I gather to praise The Lord. Now you may find this hard to believe or indeed sacrilegious: personally, I would label it as ‘unfortunate’. Maybe it comes down to my reticence to go over-the-top in a religious environment. You won’t catch me do any of that hand-raising, flag-waving, dance-dancing malarkey: I’m just not comfortable with it. Church is a time for reverent worship and peaceful reflection. It is not a place where you will see me wearing shorts, although sure, short-sleeves are fair game. It is a place where I expect to share Holy Communion on a weekly basis, in keeping with David Stone’s beautiful work on the topic (I don’t, and never will, get the concept that sharing Communion on a weekly basis devalues it!). But get me at a Springsteen show…

…and I’ll raise my arms with the best of them! I shall proclaim the virtues of passion, commitment, friendship, belief and redemption with thousands of strangers. I shall do so with exceptional vigour when Springsteen sings “Faith will be rewarded” during ‘Land Of Hope And Dreams’ or “Come on up for the rising” during… well, ‘The Rising’, appropriately. And in doing so, I shall feel a proximity to God that I’ve rarely experienced elsewhere.

All that said, the search goes on. The search for truth is a never-ending one, for we can never arrogantly claim to have found it. We can but hope that we will get close enough to it. Personally, amongst my next steps is a read of “A New History of Early Christianity” by Charles Freeman, to better understand how early Christian movements and divisions between them led to the status we have now.  How can we, as Christian, proclaim to hold The Truth when we cannot even agree amongst ourselves? There are undoubtedly aspects of our faith that are desirable, embraced by Christians, believers of other faiths, agnostics and atheists alike. You don’t have to believe in God, whichever God that may be, to appreciate that the world is a better place for virtues such as love, integrity and respect. And only yesterday did Pope Francis announce that you don’t have to believe in God to go to heaven, anyway! Which I thought was most considerate of him: he obviously knew that I was struggling to bring this post to a close. Maybe God had a word with him? Not only that, but it means I may get a shot at engaging in a philosophical debate with Richard Dawkins. I’d lose, but still… it’ll pass some of the time we have in eternity! Better give him a few thousand years to come to terms with the existence of God… failing that, we can always talk cricket!

I want to make a couple of points absolutely clear before signing off. I have outlined my issues with some of the aspects of Gordano Valley Church: some of its members who may read about them may be surprised, others less so. What I want to avoid is offending anyone. So let there be no doubt over two things:
1: These are my issues, my viewpoints. I struggle with some aspects of worship and some viewpoints. If they work for you, if that approach facilitates your relationship with God, that’s great. I don’t believe in one-size-fits-all, although I do feel some shared cornerstones are healthy;
2. I have issues with some aspects of GVC as a church, yes. But I have no issues with my one-to-one relationships with its members. Everyone at GVC has been nothing but helpful towards Karen and myself, not least when we were in “headless and legless” mode two winters ago – i.e. when I was recovering from epilepsy surgery and Karen was sat up with her pink cast having fractured her ankle. Let none of you doubt the value I put upon my relationship with you. It’s just… well, some of this here God stuff that I struggle with. This being a blog with a connection to running, special thanks once again to Jon Bonner for pacing me to 1h49’56” in my maiden half marathon, last year’s Bristol Half. In less than forty-eight hours (nearer forty, in fact), it will become the first run I'll have run twice – with some 2,820mi in between. Here’s hoping they pay off and I improve on last year’s time. Because let me tell you, I’ll be grumpier than usual if I don’t..!

There are a lot of complex issues here. I’ve pondered over many of them on my runs, especially the 20-milers. You have to fill those three hours somehow: and, given I run in the morning and am sometimes (alas, increasingly so) out there alone in the dark (no pun intended), complex issues can prove extremely useful. Have I had too much time to think? Have those runs allowed time for doubt and reflection where previously I was in a comfortable, unquestioning place?
Quite possibly. But hey, if that’s  the case – on the whole, I’m all the better for it. I think.

Note: Apologies if I sound presumptuous about making it through to the right sides of the pearly gates. I’ve just long held this belief that an all-loving Holy Father would not want to see any of His children rot in hell, that He would, will find it in Him to forgive us all our weaknesses. I constantly seek to balance this uncharacteristic optimism and convince myself that I need to earn that place, that it is up to me, with my behaviour over the course of these few thousand days on this planet, to earn myself that next place in the next life. With that in mind… I’m going to pray.